My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
