you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
