I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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