There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
