dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
