My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
