well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
