I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
