Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
