I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
