You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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