Buhtt sex?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's just like the Real World with babies
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
