If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
