it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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