I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
