We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
