How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I want a musical about memes.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
