First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
