Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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