writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
