Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
