Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
