He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
