I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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