Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
there's paper in my vomit.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
