I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
