Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
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Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
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I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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