My Higher Power is John Stamos
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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