on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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