You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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