Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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