Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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