my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
