Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It's just like the Real World with babies
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
