two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
40s are totally the cure
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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