Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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