I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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