why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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