You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
