Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We are two peas in an std pod
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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