Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
im on a boat
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