Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
