I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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