Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
