Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
