apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
