I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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