"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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