Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
