last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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