There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
