no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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