god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
