how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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