I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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