i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
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